Mark Ford

From Mark Ford, founder, Palm Beach Research Group: The most popular prescription for happiness is also the stupidest. I’m talking about the idea that you can defeat depression by “paying attention to yourself.”

Paying attention to yourself doesn’t make you happy.

In fact, the more attention you give yourself, the less happy you’re likely to be. Focusing inward can perpetuate your feelings of hopelessness.

Think of the least happy people you know. What are they always talking about? Their accomplishments. Their troubles. Their hopes. Their worries. In short: themselves.

I have a friend. Let’s call her Shelly. Shelly’s a smart, good-looking woman. But she can’t maintain long-term relationships. “People are always disappointing me,” she says.

Every time I see her, she talks nonstop about all the people who’ve failed her. She complains about her boss. She gripes about her husband. She does it with a certain sense of humor—but it’s all “Wah! Wah! Wah! What about me?”

I’ve suggested she’d be happier if she did some volunteer work or took on a hobby. Perhaps got a pet. But she doesn’t listen.

To the outside observer, Shelly has nothing to complain about. She has perfect health. She has a healthy family. And she is financially secure—putting her among the luckiest people on Earth. Yet, from her perspective—from the inside—she sees nothing but negatives.

You probably have a Shelly in your life. Maybe more than one.

The trouble with the Shellys of the world is they spend too much of their valuable time thinking and talking about themselves. Their lives never get any better. And they can’t figure out why.

They believe the solution lies in getting other people to feel sorry for them. They don’t understand that seeking attention is a big part of their problem.

It feels good to have people pay attention to you. But even at its most intense (imagine being a movie star), the pleasure dissipates almost as soon as the attention shifts away.

It’s like taking drugs. The effect is temporary. It’s addictive. It leaves you wanting more. And each time you get more, it’s not enough.

Eventually, it kills you.

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The next time you’re feeling sad or angry, recognize there is a way to become happy again.

Here’s how…

1. Accept the fact that it’s perfectly normal to feel crummy sometimes.
   
  Despite your core strengths and your many accomplishments, you will occasionally find yourself down in the dumps. It’s natural for ambitious people (like yourself) to feel that way.

As productivity expert Tim Ferriss says, “The occasional bouts of self-doubt and sadness are an integral part of building anything remarkable.”
   
2. If you’re upset because of something you did to yourself, forgive yourself.
   
  It’s okay. You screwed up. What matters is what you do next, not what you just did.

I sometimes get angry when I feel pressured by work obligations. But when I examine the reason for all the work, it’s usually because I volunteered to take it on in the first place.

When I recognize my mood is being affected by my own prior actions, I remind myself I’m lucky. “It’s okay you’re angry. But you don’t have to be. You can get through today. And you can have better discipline tomorrow.” It helps me feel better instantly.
   
3. If you’re upset because of something someone else did to you, take a chill pill.
   
  Count to 10. Recognize you can’t control the behavior of other people. The only thing you can control is your response to their behavior. Nobody can take that away from you.

I used to get upset when my family, friends, or colleagues made a mistake. I realize now how stupid that was. It didn’t do me any good. And it made me unproductive, unhappy, and unpleasant to be around.

I changed by learning to turn the other cheek. The moment I stopped resenting others for their shortcomings, I began to feel better about myself.

It’s amazing how well this works.

Somebody bumps into you on the street and you sprain your ankle. You have a choice. You can be angry at that person. You can be upset with yourself for not being more aware of your surroundings. Or you can forgive the person and yourself and change the way you think about your injury.

Rather than rue the inconvenience of being laid up for a week or two, see the recuperation period as a gift—the chance to start a new project or catch up on your reading.
   
4. Don’t let unrealistic expectations interfere with your relationships.
   
  (This is a subcategory of not allowing the behavior of other people to upset you.)

Instead of being upset by your spouse’s habit of (fill in the blank), resolve to accept the fact that she won’t be changing, and find a way to forgive her… and even love her.

Instead of being angry your child’s a slob, find a way to love him for his strengths while gently teaching him (by showing, not telling) the advantages of being orderly.

Instead of being angry at your business partner because she didn’t perform as well as you expected her to, learn to appreciate what she brings to the table and negotiate a new deal with her out of love, not anger.

Accepting people for who they are doesn’t mean allowing them to make your life miserable. On the contrary, it means being realistic—realizing that 90% of the time, a person’s fundamental characteristics can’t be changed.

If you find a certain behavior unacceptable, change the way you deal with it (something you can do) instead of trying to change the person (which you can’t do).
   
5. If you’re upset because of circumstances beyond your control, take a double dose of chill pill.
   
  If it’s one thing psychology has taught us, it’s that you can deal with your troubles more effectively if you define them as “problems” (which can be solved) or “predicaments” (which can be coped with).

Getting caught in a storm or catching a cold isn’t a reason to get mad at yourself. Neither, by the way, is being caught in a worldwide economic collapse.
   
6. If you’re unhappy at work, find a way to care about what you’re doing.
   
  As Nobel Prize-winning author Albert Camus said, “But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?”

You won’t experience happiness if you work at a job you hate—or if you do poor work on a project you like. But if you learn to care about the work you do, you’ll find your energy will improve and you’ll start to enjoy it.
   
7. Engage in a sport or challenging exercise—something that’s so demanding, you can’t think while doing it.
   
  Walking, stretching, and yoga are great forms of exercise. If you do them with a tranquil mind, they’ll make you healthy and happy.

But if you do them when you’re sad and feeling sorry for yourself, they’ll give you no relief. You will forget about the exercise and focus on your negative thoughts. That will make things worse.

Jiujitsu and weightlifting are good examples of challenging exercise. They require complete focus—giving you no time to think about anything else.
   
8. Recognize your health has a great deal to do with your mood.
   
  If you feel bad much of the time, you probably need to make a few lifestyle changes:

  • Eat healthy. Eating too many carbohydrates will make you crazy, cranky, and tired. To have consistent energy all day, use food like fuel. Eat six smallish meals a day… avoid junk food… and favor organic food, lean meat, and plenty of protein.
  • Sleep (and rest) adequately. For me, adequate sleep is a major contributor to feeling good. Studies show people who get seven good hours of sleep a night live longer, suffer from fewer illnesses, and achieve more because they have more energy. If you get tired during the day, take a short nap.
  • Get advice about antidepressants from a good doctor. I’m generally against putting chemicals in my body. I much prefer natural cures. But antidepressants have helped some people close to me, and they may help you, too.
   
9. Take positive steps to pay less attention to yourself and more attention to others.
   
  A few examples:

  • Make your friends happy. Smile when you see them. Listen to their stories. Give them the advice they want and shut up when they don’t want any. Become the person they turn to when the chips are down. Learn to love—and help them overcome—their faults. Above all, be loyal.
  • Be a reliable and steady resource for your business colleagues. Help them achieve their goals. Not because you want them to reciprocate in some way—but because you care about them and want them to succeed.
  • Do something for someone you don’t know—a stranger, a foster child, or a sick or poor person who can benefit from your help. Spend time and money.

Make this outward focus a natural part of your life. Do it purposefully and deliberately until it becomes second nature. You’ll know when that happens because you’ll feel happy most of the time. And when you become sad or angry, you’ll be able to get over it… quickly and easily.

Reeves’ Note: If you appreciate Mark’s life wisdom and wealth-building advice, you can get more detailed insights every month in Creating Wealth. In the January issue, Mark reveals how to make 2016 the best—and most productive—year of your life. It’s something we can all start doing, right away.